Why I Gave Up A Full Ride to My ‘Dream School’-And What I’m Doing Instead
In March of 2021, I received one of the most coveted blessings: a full-tuition scholarship to my dream school, and a merit-based one at that. After being deemed good enough by the all-knowing college board, I spent the next 5 months in ecstasy. I was in for the best time of my life, straight from a movie scene, and for free!
…or so I thought.
I am one of the 10.5 million adults diagnosed with ADHD and one of the many women who were diagnosed late. The work began to fall on me like a ton of bricks. Throughout high school, I’d received such good grades…so what was making it so difficult now?
It was the element of choice.
It was drilled into my head that I HAD to go to classes because I HAD to get good grades to get into a good college. There was no way out of it, and there was a pinpointed end goal. In college, however, I saw no purpose for myself, nothing waiting for me at the end… and as someone with ADHD, that can be devastating to one’s work ethic.
I reached out to my school’s disability accommodation program, but I was too late to get anything besides “frequent breaks,” which I already took before requesting accommodations. I realized that I chose my major because of others’ influences, and I had no real intrinsic drive to study what I studied. I became lost, and I spiraled into a deep depression.
What I Did
I am not saying that I am completely healed or figured out. I am still a work in progress, but I want to share this story to help anyone who may relate to it.
I spent a great deal of time finding nature to sit in. As an ADHD brain, I find myself at peace when I can be with the world as it is and not how others think it should be. Even when I got some (limited) alone time in my dorm, I would find videos of natural ambiance to listen to. I found a way to listen to myself and my thoughts, and through that, I found what I truly wanted to do.
Listening to your thoughts is essential, but so is listening to others. As an introvert, I shied away from making friends at college. Popular people scared me, and I eventually avoided all contact with anyone. This was a huge factor that contributed to my issues. I began to find people to talk to at my job and within my school, and telling them how I feel helped me rationalize and validate my thoughts and emotions. I am also starting this blog to share with you and receive feedback from you!
I am not saying that I am completely healed or figured out. I am still a work in progress, but I want to share this story to help anyone who may relate to it. If you feel the same way as I did, I would ask you to “follow your heart.” It’s the world’s most obnoxious cliche, but I’ve found it so true. Listen to YOUR mind, YOUR body, and YOUR feelings. No one else is involved in choosing your path.
What I’m Doing Now
I started this blog, Bee’s Brain, to document my journey as an aspiring visual artist and an ADHD brain. I will post once a week, and each post will be either a self-help book review or an art progress update.
You, dear reader, will be my accountability partner. I encourage you to contact me, so we can become mutuals or friends.
As for college, I am currently enrolling in a local community college to study studio art, with the end goal of becoming a professional animator.
Ultimately, I want you to know that you are important, appreciated, and loved. Thank you so much for reading this.